Liberal Land

Ah!  A story about college.  I am a freshman at a certain university that is filled to the brim with liberals.  I separate liberals into two categories: retarded “OMG let’s help the poor and fuck the rich in the ass” shitfucks and the intelligent “OMG science and statistics run my life” atheist shittards.

My school fits that first category, as most of them believe that Jesus Christ died to relieve them of the sins they commit every weekend.

I sometimes get aggravated or pissed off at the most ludicrous of things.  So some of what I am about to write about may seem… odd.  But it makes all the sense in the world to me!

Key chains.  I hate them.  I don’t know why.  I just do.  The other day, I saw a girl with a purple book bag.  As she walked, this extremely large and obnoxious keychain bounced up and down.  Up and fucking down.  I walked behind her for a block.  I couldn’t fucking stand it.  This huge keychain kept going up and down.  I wanted to grab it and throw it in the bitch’s face. 

Laptops also aggravate me to an extent.  When I’m being studious, listening to the instructor, and taking meticulous notes, some jackass in front of me has to be playing some fucking retarded game on their laptop that distracts me.  It pisses me off.  How the hell am I supposed to keep track of what some bitch is saying when some other bitch is playing a fucking game?!  Don’t come to class, jackass!

Shorts, shoes, and hats.  Articles of clothing?  How could this possibly annoy me?  Well, when one wears shorts in 20 degree weather, one often irritates me.  Do you think you look cool?  “Oh hey, I’m in shorts in the cold.  And I’m not even cold!  I’m fucking awesome!”  And then shoes.  Girls often follow the most ridiculous of trends.  One trend: those fucking hideous boots.  Every single girl on campus owns a pair of those retarded boots.  If you have no idea what I’m talking about, good for fucking you!  They look like dyed deerskin.  They can’t be unique.  Every girl has a pair.  Except me.  Because they’re hideous.  If I need boots, I’ll get a regular pair of water-resistant boots.  And I will not tuck my jeans inside them.  Another thing I hate is guys who wear sandals or flip flops.  My God are they annoying.  I find feet to be disgusting, anyway.  When I have to see feet in the winter, I want to fucking scream!  At least some guys decide to cover their feet.  With socks.  Yes, with socks.  When will this trend end?!  It’s so damn retarded!  What is the point of wearing sandals if you are wearing socks?  And finally, hats.  Hats are annoying if you can’t see the front of the classroom.  They’re even more annoying if there’s some shitty human being who wants to start some shitty trend and tries to be “different” by wearing a cowboy hat.  Seriously?

And now to hippies.  We have them.  For some fucking reason.  They wear tie dye shirts.  Let’s see who can be the most cliché!  And no shoes.  In the winter.  They get their icky feet gunk on the floor of the Student Center.  This can’t possibly be sanitary for me.  And they wear bandanas.  And other hippie accessories.  I fucking hate them.

IPods.  Are.  Everywhere.  You may find my dislike for IPods to be truly freaking insane.  But I hate them.  I even refuse to buy one.  What annoys me most of all is students walking around with IPods in their fucking ears.  This pisses the shit out of me.  They can’t fucking hear you… they walk on with some dumbass look on their face.  Are they actually listening to that music or do they think they just look cool?  And then there are those assholes who blast that music loud enough for others around them to hear it.  I hope they go fucking deaf.

Nothing is more annoying the skateboarders going back and forth when you are waiting for the bus.  Nothing is more annoying than grown men on skateboards.  Nothing is more annoying than grown men on skateboards who can’t skateboard because it’s fucking Ohio and it’s fucking cold half the time!  And you’ll see those fucking losers riding their bikes in the snow and you just pray that they fucking slip.

And sunglasses… some of these assholes wear the most fucking awful sunglasses I have ever seen.  The larger the sunglasses, the more hip you are?  Fucking dipshits.

I really hate those girls who wear pajamas.  They think they look like they just got up and walked out the door.  I can assure you, because I live with one of these types, that they spend hours on making themselves look good.  That hair that looks like it was just wrapped up with a hair tie?  No, it was arranged perfectly into a messy bun, hair sprayed, and tightly pinned down.  Do they wear make-up or are they naturally flawless?  That is make-up, my dear.

I like piercings.  But Jesus Christ, there’s a damn limit.  Oh and you don’t look badass with your Jesus cross tattooed on your arm.  I’m sure Jesus is real happy with you when he’s watching the girl you’re fucking.

Why Raccoons Should All Fucking Die

Before telling one story, I must tell another.

A few years ago as I was driving in a car with my mother and grandmother, my grandma pointed to a church and said, “The Beacon Journal said that that’s the oldest church in Akron.”
My mother replied, “No Mom, that isn’t the oldest church.  The oldest church is farther down Market.”

An argument erupted.  An argument that lasted an entire year.  An entire year.  An entire fucking year…

My grandmother would not let it go.  She had to prove my mom wrong.  Every time the two of them got together my grandma, at some point, would mention that church.  My mom insisted that they drop it but my grandma would not hear of it!  It became a joke to the rest of the family.  Then it got aggravating.  One day, my mother surfed the web, found an article on the oldest church in Akron, printed it out, and gave it to my grandma.  My mother was right.  This process took an entire fucking year.

Now, onto the next story. 

People drop kittens off at my grandma’s house every summer.  She is known throughout the neighborhood as some crazy cat lady.  And every summer she goes through some sort of drama trying to find these kittens a home or trying to get the Humane Society to take them.

Last night, a raccoon ate one of the kittens.  My grandma found a woman who would take the remaining kittens.

So, I had to take my grandma miles away to some lady who has ninety cats in her house and who doesn’t give cats to homes with children.  So she has ninety of them.

During the car ride, my grandma explained to me the excruciating details of the kitten’s unfortunate demise. I’ll spare you the horrid shit I had to hear.

We got to the house.  My grandma took the cats inside.  She remained inside.  Five minutes went by.  Fifteen minutes went by.  Finally an entire fucking thirty minutes went by!  And then she came out.

We had a conversation.

“That house is so big.  You can’t even tell there are ninety cats in there.  I told her that if I had the money, I’d do the same thing as her.”
“…”
“I asked her if she was a religious person.  She said, ‘Oh, yeah.’  And so I told her that after the kitten died last night and I had cried, I prayed so hard.  I prayed that I could find a place for these other kittens.  And God heard me.  He saved those kittens.  God is good.”
“…”
“I probably looked like a maniac last night.  After I found that kitten I chase that raccoon all around the yard.  I chased him with a mop under the porch and up the tree.  I cussed the son-of-a-bitch out and cried at the same time.”
“…”

She kept looking out her window the whole time spotting election signs.  She’d grumble and complain every time she spotted a McCain sign and she’d shake her fist in the air and say “Alright!” every time she saw an Obama sign.

Another conversation.

“Can you believe that Palin?  Mmph.”
“…”
“And McCain is just an old fuddy duddy.”
“…”
“Did you see Obama dance?  He was on Ellen.  He’s a good dancer.”
“He’s black.”
“Ha-ha.  He has such a nice smile.  I really hope nothing bad happens to him.”
“…”

Let me interject by saying that just a few months ago my grandma hated this man with a fierce passion.

After a moment of silence my grandma said in a hushed voice filled with emotion, “That woman is such a good person.”
She was referring to the ninety-cats person.

Soon, to my dismay, another conversation cropped up.

“Grandpa is going to West Virginia for two weeks.  I told Theresa and she said that it was a good thing and a bad thing.  I said that she had nailed it on the head.”
“…”
“I like it when he leaves but I’m afraid of being alone.  She said that I need to get a gun.”
“…!”
“If someone breaks in, I can shoot him.  If I had a gun, I could have killed that raccoon.”
“…………….”

She wanted me to take the dead kitten to my house so that my mom could bury it.  I told her that my mom would come pick it up tomorrow.  I didn’t want a fucking dead cat in my fucking car.

On the way home my grandma pointed at something out her window.

“That’s the oldest church in Akron.”
“…”

 

 

Why Did Evolution Result in Two Genders?!

Remember the 60’s?  Civil Rights and all that shit?  Well, women received a lot of rights during this period.  And now, we look around and we should wonder… what the fuck were those bastards thinking?

 

Women are atrocious.  Horribly disgusting retards who abuse the rights that were given to them.

 

I can dress like a skank.  I think I’ll do that.  I can sleep with that guy.  I think I’ll do him.

 

Before the 60’s, women were dumbasses who never stood up for themselves.  Now women either stand up for themselves or get it up the ass like little bimbos.

 

We’ll first examine the latter.  The bimbos.  They have rights that their mothers’ did not.  They have rights that their grandmothers’ couldn’t even dream of!  And what do they do?  Drink, have sex, wear small vestiges of clothing, and stay out late hoping to be raped.  These women will go to college.  And they will fail miserably.  They have the opportunity to make something out of themselves, to triumph and advance in the social and/or career ladder.  And they don’t.  Because they are worthless bimbos.

 

How did we come to this?  Fuck if I know.  My only guess is that since the birth of these bimbos, mommies and daddies have been giving them pink little dresses.  Perhaps they singed them up for piano lessons or made them join plays?  Maybe being a cheerleader was cute?  Sports are for boys.  Math is for boys.  Reading?  Ha, you won’t need that!  Since the time of birth parents will emphasize beauty.

 

“Aw, you look so pretty!”

 

And then girls will think, “Shit, I need to look good in order to get attention!”

And so, a bimbo is born.

 

Now let’s examine that other kind of woman.  The one who does defend herself.  Guess what?  She’s probably a horrible human being too.

 

Women have rights.  But they are given too many rights!  They can vote, they can wear whatever they want, get jobs wherever they want.  But if there is a draft you bet your fucking ass women won’t be drafted alongside men.  They want rights, but not every right, damn it!  That’s going too far!

 

I suppose sexism still exists today.  I mean, Sarah Palin had to be interviewed on camera before she was chosen as VP so that the McCain campaign could see how “good” she looked on camera.  They didn’t do this with the male potential VPs.  On average, women still get paid less than men for doing the exact same work as them.

 

So it exists, but do you have to whine about it even when it isn’t in front of your eyes?  Hell, most women who join women’s rights groups probably haven’t even faced real sexism.  My 23 year old sister hasn’t faced it.  My 45 year old mother hasn’t faced it.  What the fuck are you bitches still whining about?!

 

Even if there is a case of sexism, bitches will sue the ass out of the defendant.  Sexism is so much of a fucking crime because of whiney little lesbians and their women activist organizations.

 

Now let’s take a look into the personal lives of women.  Interactions with their significant other!

 

Nag much?  You betcha!  Women are naggy little whores.  They will nag their men about everything!  In most relationships, they “wear the pants.”  They direct their spouses/boyfriends what to do, how to think, what to wear.  How do men stand it?  Oh, right.  Sex!  And so women take that away too!

 

There’s nothing more horrible to see than a man who has been dragged along with his girlfriend/wife to the mall to help her shop for her next skanky outfit.  They look pathetic and miserable.  It makes me laugh… but it’s bitchy nonetheless.  What makes these women think that their partners are their personal fucking servants or something?  Why are men so fucking stupid that they’ll follow these bitches to the fucking ends of the Earth?!

 

If a woman ever asks, “Does this make me look fat?”  Never fucking answer.  Get up, walk out.  Whatever you say won’t matter.

 

More advice.  Crazy bitches.  You know that one night stand with that whore who dances all over the place?  Don’t pick her up.  She has daddy issues and she’ll cling to you forever.  Stalk you.  Isolate you.  Suffocate you.  Welcome to Hell, here’s your psycho bitch!

 

Stay away from overly beautiful women.  There is a low, low, low chance that these women will make good partners.  They are the naggy spoiled types who have always gotten what they wanted because of their looks.  They will nag the fuck out of you.  They will whine.  They will cry.  When they are on their periods, run like Hell.  You might be lucky, though.  There’s still a chance that one of these women could have an ounce of intelligence.  But you should stick with the Moderates.  Not too pretty, not too ugly.

 

So in conclusion:  Women suck.

 

 

 

Atheists vs. Theists: Why Can’t We Just Shoot Them Both?

I was browsing atheist sites the other day, looking for something original.  Needless to say, I got the same old arrogant atheistic moral bullshit.  Fuck that shit, if I’m going to be atheist, I don’t want no God damned morals.  Heh, God…

Anyway, the point I’m trying to make here is that atheists have become just as annoying as theists.  If it isn’t “God will save you” then it’s “God is a fictional magical man,” “I believe in science,” or “I’m an intelligent, ethical being.”

Okay… do you also realize you’re a shitfaced prick?  I mean, seriously.  You’re a shitfaced prick.

How are they better than the theists who shove religion down our throats?!  They aren’t!  They are just as fucking retarded! 

Atheism is becoming the new “fad.”  I know so many atheists now, than I have ever known in the past.  And they have found their outlet: The Internet.  Google “atheist” and you’ll find thousands of sites.  Bible contradictions, evolution, atheist forums, religion sucks balls, Godless bastard websites.  If you want to be cool, go fucking atheist!  Apparently…

Any freshly created atheist has probably never read the bible and has just looked up an atheistic bible contradiction website.  Because you obviously can’t believe in God and not the bible.

What pisses me off about atheists is that they spend so much time on proving Evolution to the rest of the world.  Dumbasses.  We know Evolution is real, there’s evidence every which way you look.  The people who don’t believe in it are religious fucktards and who gives a fuck about them?  Why don’t you spend your money, effort, and time on something more productive: Proving Global Warming.  Okay, so it may have hardly anything to do with relgion.  But the Republican fuckers who say it doesn’t exist are Christian!  And just think, you could save the Polar Bears!  So fucking save them, assholes!

And religious nuts, I hate you.  You converting mo’ fo’s go to Africa to feed the hungry… and convert them!  Maybe they can eat your bible?  Teaching them the word of Jesus Christ won’t do shit.  After all, your God gave us free will.  Meaning, he won’t do jack shit to save them.  God is obviously a conservative.

Militant theists and/or atheists just piss me off.  You are labeling yourselves and others.  You are dividing the world.  You are creating hate.  Keep your damn opinions to yourselves, you whiney little fucktards.  Oh gee, I’m contradicting myself by whining about my own opinions.  I guess this makes me just as holy as the bible.  Oh and atheists, instead of getting “Under God” out of the Pledge, spend your time helping the poor or doing something really useful: shutting the fuck up.

May I be unemployed?

I hate my job.  Most people hate their jobs.  But I really hate my job.

I work at Subway.  Inside a gas station.  I work until 10 P.M.  By myself. 

Not completely by myself.  There are the gas station ladies.  Those bitchy gas station ladies who work alongside me.  I hate them.  They are what people call “confrontational.”  They find time from work to saunter over to my own work station and, in such a polite tone with the most astounding smile, tell me how to do my job.  Take out the trash.  Make sure you break down the boxes.  Don’t put the boxes in the wrong dumpster.  Sweep and mop the dining room.  Turn off the light.  Shut the fuck up, I was going to do that shit anyway.  That’s what I want to say.  But I simply smile and nod.  I can’t do anything else.  First off, I’m an extremely quiet, “shy” type.  And secondly, no one can mess with those gas station whores.  The last Subway girl to talk back was promptly fired after Gas Station Lady Bitch #1 told my manager that she had stolen money, that she had gone to smoke instead of waiting on a customer, and that she had forgotten to take the trash out.  So I smile and nod.

I wish I could say that the gas station hookers were my only problem.  But my customers are worse.

First, there is Headphones Man.  Headphones Man has one of those cell phone ear phones that he wears every day he comes into Subway.  He’s never using it.  And he doesn’t take it off.  I’m beginning to think the damn man glued them onto his damn head.  None of that really ticks me off.  What annoys me to no end is that this man just so happens to come in at the same time I do.  Meaning, I have to work right when I get to work.  I fucking hate that.

German Bitch.  I can smell German Bitch as soon as she enters the gas station.  She smells like a Granny who just had a field day as she walked through the make-up and perfume department at Macy’s.  This bitch stinks.  As I try to hold my breath and live at the same time, this bitch gives me an attitude.  And the make-up.  Globs and globs of powder and red lipstick and thick mascara and eye-shadow.  It takes more than that to cover up the irritating beast she really is.

No-Class-Fat-Woman.  This is the single most annoying customer that I have.  This woman has absolutely no class.  She is rude.  She’s fat.  And she disgusts me.  Since I work alone, we keep a bell in the front so that I can go in the back to do dishes.  Most people who don’t ring the bell just don’t know of its existence.  This whore knows it exists.  She just refuses to use it.  She will come in and at the top of her lungs she will scream, “Is anyone back there?!  I want a sub!”  I’m not exaggerating.  I will come out and smile.  I don’t know how I manage to do it.  I will make her sub and just as I’m about to wrap it, this bitch has the nerve to say, “Know what?  I want something else.”  I’m not exaggerating.

Old Flirty Guy.  I hate this bastard.  He’ll come in really, really late.  I have to close by myself.  I have a lot of procedures and cleaning.  While I’m in the middle of doing all of this, Flirty Guy will come in with a big bright smile.  And then he’ll say, “Give me a smile, Sweetie.  Why do you always look so down?” Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.

Those damn Mexicans.  The absolute high light of my day.  These cheerful idiots always bring me joy.  They don’t know a damn word of English.  So they point at the menu pictures, the meat, and the vegetables.  On occasion, they will attempt to teach me Spanish.  Espinacas or carne.  At the register, these happy idiots will pull out a wad of cash.  Then, they will take their sandwhiches and cheerfully exit the gas station, along with their newly bought six pack of beer.

Picky Cunt.  I despise this woman.  She must have 4 pieces of this or 5 pieces of that.  I will calmly tell her that there are formulas I am required to follow.  She will complain and I calmly give in.  We’ll get to the vegetables and I’ll throw some on.  Oh no.  I can’t just throw them on.  She must have two pickles on this side and two on the other.  Only three tomatoes.  Those look nasty, she must have bright red tomatoes.  I have to slice up the already sliced up onions because, apparently, they are just too big for her.  By the time we get down to the register, I’m as happy as I could ever be because I just want to get that cunt out of my sight.

Tuna man.  I hate old people.  I really hate old people I can’t understand.  I can’t understand this old guy.  He mumbles.  I find it impolite to say, “What?”  So I simply smile and nod.  He orders the same thing every time.  Tuna on Herbs and Cheese, American cheese (not toasted, who the hell toasts tuna?!), tomatoes, lettuce, and jalapenos.  He’ll try to make a comment or two throughout all of this.  I smile and nod.  Only God knows what the fuck he says.  For the most part, he’s a nasty old man.  The only reassurance I have is knowing that he’s bound to die soon with the amount of poisonous mercury he’s consuming by eating all this tuna.

I hate my job.  When I come home, I am in the shittiest mood.  I always say I’m going to quit.  I say it everyday I go to work.  But I never do.  I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me.  I feel like one day I could just snap.  I feel like I could take the onion scooper thing and gouge out the gas station bitches’ eyes out.  I feel like I could take a bread knife and slit Picky Bitch’s throat.  I feel like I could take a machine gun to work and just blow everyone’s heads off.

But I don’t.  I fucking smile and nod.

What’s black and white and doesn’t scream as you stab it in the eyes?

My blog is open.  Kinda. 

Anyway, I have no purpose for this thing.  But I’m thinking it will have to do with my obsessions.  I have a lot of them so I’m sure I’ll interest some people.  I like clowns.  I also hate mimes.  If this hasn’t been made apparent to you at this point, then you’re an idiot, go away.  To continue: I also like penguins.  They are cute.  I have a weakness towards cute things.  Kitties, puppies… you name it.  I dislike babies though.  They aren’t cute contrary to ignorant people’s opinions. 

Anyway, I’ve bored you long enough.  When, and if, I come up with a true purpose of this blog, I will post about it.  And hope someone reads it.